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ksdgypsy in lovingwhatis


My struggle for that elusive Inner Peace


My unique search for inner peace started around age 12 when mathematics got under my skin. A shift in perspective and a questioning of all I perceive to be real started with this.

Mathematics was truth in it’s own language and until my 5th semester of calculus (Vector Calculus) in college when it stopped being easy to understand… there I found a lot of my answers. I still love mathematics but am still frustrated that I cannot go further down that rabbit hole….for now.


In high school I started looking for the unanswerable questions we all ask, in Al-anon and then religions and practicing Christianity in the Catholic Church, music, art, poetry and prayer.


In college I found some half answers and half truths in Quakers, the Grateful Dead, Reggae, Buddhism, Linguistics and Abstract Algebra. 


After marriage, and then twins, one normal, one autistic, I found myself clamoring “Why me? Why her? Why us?” to what felt like a vastly empty universe. I heard about The Seat of the Soul, by Gary Zukav…I read it, it resonated with a core of knowing inside me. So many answers that had eluded me for years became so clear and simple to accept.


More books affirmed and reaffirmed what I knew, but kept forgetting with each new challenge in my life. Each one bringing it’s own way of looking at the whole that made it easier and simpler to practice inner peace. My search continues, of course, because it is just fun to find a new perspective to help maintain that balance that is so easily toppled, which just makes me deliciously imperfectly human… “riding on a spiral of our own divinity”.


My chronological list of spiritual gems found along the way goes:


Man’s Search for Meaning, by Victor Frankl

A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama

The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz

Work as a Spiritual Practice, by Lews Richmond


Everything by SARK


Lateralus Lyrics, by Tool


During my “unlearning” moments it used to take a lot of searching to find the right words to make sense of it all again. In my humanness, I do love to hold on to my stories and rules more often than not. Flailing against the brick walls of reality, creating drama, sometimes felt necessary.And then…comes along Loving What Is, by Byron Katie which is an amazing tool to lightspeed you right back to inner peace with her four simple questions.


But even now, I sometimes forget to use them when most needed….

So, a community of practitioners will be most helpful.


October 2008

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